Look at all those children! Celebrating Adoption...Courageous Birthmoms, Families,Children

Let's All Take A Stand

2009-07-13T20:51:00.002-05:00

As adoptive parents we must take a stand against this movie that blantantly casts a negative light on adoption, adopted kids (orphans) and adoptive parents.
Read here for a great article about the movie and how we should respond to it.

A Day in the Park!

2009-03-31T08:29:00.004-05:00

These are pictures of openness in adoption. Every year we host our Kinship Picnic. The theme is "It's not who the child belongs to, but who belongs to the child."
This picnic is a gathering of all the people who "belong to the child". It is a great opportunity to grow a relationship with one another and for birth families to share fun time with the child.

Will you be Jesus to her?

2008-11-09T14:30:00.001-06:00

Do you have a passion to pray for the salvation of your birthmom?
Are your kids praying for their birthmom to know Jesus?
Can your birth family see Jesus in the way you respond to them?
As the adoption process began you prayed for the right birthmom that would place a baby in your arms.
You prayed fervently after the baby was born that the birthmom would follow through with the adoption plan.
After placement, you prayed that there would be no legal conflicts and you prayed for finalization.
Then you considered it done.
But truly, your role of being Jesus to your child's birthmom was just beginning.
Have you considered the fact that God brought you to adoption not just for you or the baby, but so that you could be a witness and encouragement to your birthmom?
We have only a window of time to lead these women to Christ, but you have a lifetime.
We constantly look for opportunities to share Christ while we work with a birthmom, but many times we have seen adoptive families destroy that testimony by treating a birthmom like an enemy.
Your child's birthmom is not your enemy. She does not wish to be a threat to you. She does not desire to cause you pain. She is a woman who, for many different reasons, found herself in an unplanned pregnancy and chose, not only give her child LIFE, but chose to give her child a BETTER LIFE by making an adoption plan with you.
When a birthmom seeks information about New Life, we quickly tell her that we only place babies with Christian families. Regardless of her religious beliefs, this brings her comfort. She believes that this will give her child security. She believes that the adoptive family will more easily love her for who she is.
Your challenge is to seek the Lord and follow Him as He leads you to be "Jesus" to this very important person in your life.
What does it look like to "be Jesus" in your relationship with your birthmom?
It means that there is no fear. It means that you quickly consider her feelings before your own. It means that you pray for her, love her and share a bit of your lives with her for the purpose of her eternity.

Openness Works!

2008-08-26T21:33:00.006-05:00

This is a picture of my grandson and his birthmother celebrating his 4th birthday - a picture of openness. I love seeing him with her. There is a sweetness and a familiarity that is both amazing and comforting.

Amazing that God has created us in such a way that Justus just knows her - and comforting to know that Justus will never have to wonder if his birthmom loves him.

This relationship began with a few simple visits. After this, his birthmom moved out of state, and everyone had to become more purposeful in maintaining a relationship.

The first year of building this relationship, they bought Kathleen a ticket to fly to Houston to celebrate his 2nd birthday. She stayed at my house where we also had the birthday party.

The second year, they flew her here and she stayed in College Station in a hotel and spent more time at their house.

This year Kathleen flew here and stayed at their house. She was able to put Justus to bed, read books to him, watch movies and eat popcorn together. I am sure that when Kathleen made an adoption plan for her precious son she never could have hoped that she would some day do all of those things with her son.

I am sure that if you have not yet experienced adoption this kind of openness must sound pretty scary.

Is it for everyone? Probably not. Could it be? Absolutely!

It requires that everyone work together to build a foundation of trust. It takes time. It takes sensitivity to each other's needs.
It takes a belief that this kind of relationship will be good for everyone involved.

You can see that this relationship did not begin with total openness. This adoptive family played by our rules - which we believe are in place to help everyone in this process - and then they simply and prayerfully allowed the Lord to guide them through the steps to openness.

As I visited with Kathleen this past weekend, she made the statement that she can now look back on the past 4 years and see how God had laid out a plan to give her son a better life - to give her an opportunity to change and to bring a family into her life that would lead her back to God.

In God's great plan, He has allowed Justus' family to love Kathleen and to help her come back to HIM. What a great God!

God Revealed in Adoption

2008-07-04T22:50:00.003-05:00

This week I had the privilege of being a part of a God-moment. I watched as the Holy Spirit moved through our office touching hearts and confirming His plan in the mind of a birthmother and an adoptive family. It was their first meeting and the baby is due soon. I am thankful that God works in miraculous ways to bring His plan together and that He allows us to be a part of it.
Please pray for this birthmom and adoptive family and they prepare for the day of placement.

A Real Birthmother

2008-06-25T21:25:00.002-05:00

Today I met with a birthmother. She was sweet, vulnerable, respectful and truly concerned about her baby and the plan she was making.
There was nothing about her that was selfish.
There was nothing about her that was threatening.
She cried when I told her that the adoptive family would keep one of the names she had chosen to be used as a part of the child's name - a gift from her that could never be taken away.
She cried when I told her that I would hope that she would have a strong connection with her child and the adoptive family through the years.
She cried for the pain that her mother was experiencing.
She was concerned for her little brother and how her plan would affect him.
She is only 18 but seems to have the wisdom of a much older woman.
Pray for her!

Adoption = Fear?

2008-06-14T20:48:00.002-05:00

Recently we were reunited with a birthmom who placed 2 children 11 and 13 years ago with a loving Christian family. After sacrificing her own desires so that her children could have a family and a life that she felt she could not give them, this adoptive family "disappeared". They have not communicated with her for more than 10 years. They moved and did not inform the agency. It is apparent that they have no intention or desire to have contact with the very woman who gave them a family.
My heart breaks as we hear this woman share the pain and grief of being rejected by the couple who received her children as their own through adoption. She longs to know how her boys are doing - what they look like - what they love to do. It is simple - a letter, some pictures would make a huge difference.
Why does this couple run away from this precious young woman? Is it because they fear her involvement? Do they fear that their boys will love her more than they love them? Have they simply discarded her worth as a birthmother?
How can a couple profess to be Christians and then so easily walk away from the woman who gave them such incredible gifts?
I don't have an answer to these questions but I would love to hear your thoughts.
I am still praying that the Lord will soften the hearts of this couple and stir within them a love for this precious woman - the birthmother of their boys.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-09T23:25:00.004-05:00

Mother's Day brings a myriad of emotions for women.

I know of a woman who, tonight, is heart-broken over poor choices made by her daughter.

Another's arms ache for a baby to love and care for.

Still another lives with the memory of a child that was once nurtured within her womb and now calls someone else Mommy.

All of these women deserve to be honored for who they are and the heart they possess.

Obviously, because this is a blog about adoption, I am asking you to remember the women who made a selfless plan and placed their babies for adoption. Every year the day before Mother's Day is Birthmother's Day. Take a moment to pray for birthmothers - those who have already placed a child for adoption and those who are nearing the day of placement.

A dear, sweet friend has written this blog from a birthmother's perspective that better reveals the heart of a woman we call "birthmother".

God's Ways are not our Ways

2008-04-02T22:54:00.005-05:00

Today I write out of heart of sadness for some very special adoptive families. They are families that have learned in the last few days that they will not receive the baby that they thought would become a part of their family. We try to prepare families for failed placements but it is almost impossible to guard your heart in this process of adoption.
More than anything we strive to give birth moms the freedom to make the decision and plan that they absolutely believe is right for them and their baby. But in the same moment we long to see an adoptive family experience the joy of receiving a baby in their arms. The emotions are almost more than any human being can control.
But in the end, we know that God has a perfect plan for birth moms, babies and adoptive families. Trusting in God's sovereign plan is what keeps us believing, trusting and knowing.
In all of this, we want to encourage birth moms to be the very best parent they can be and to pray for and love adoptive families as they grieve their loss and wait on the completion of God's perfect plan.
May God bless you in this journey of adoption!

Life is Precious!

2007-10-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

There are some days that I am blessed to be taken back to the important things in life. This week I had one of those days.
I met with a client who thought that aborting her baby was the only option she had. She was living a life of desperation and sadness.

We talked and she cried. I got the opportunity to show her the baby inside of her via ultrasound. There was no manipulation - no magic answers - no problems solved. There was only life - a tiny baby - doing somersaults inside the safety of its mother's womb - a beating heart that in reality is smaller than the eraser on a pencil.

These are the things that are really important - the miracle of a life created - a life that only God can create.

This young woman left with a resolve to give life to the baby inside of her. She did not leave with a plan for her future. She knew that survival would only be possible one day at a time.

We will be there for her. We will help her determine how to relieve some of the issues that have caused the desperation in her life.

Please remember these young women - they need love - they need Jesus - they need a community that will surround them and encourage them to become the woman God has designed them to be.

Twenty Things: #2

2007-10-05T23:04:00.000-05:00

2. I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed.

As adoptive parents it is important that we not attempt to deny the needs of adopted children. We really want to believe that our love will conquer all needs and losses in our children's lives. None of us want to believe that our children will have pain as a result of their adoption loss.
On the other hand, we need to be careful not to assume that every need our child exhibits is due to adoption loss. There is a fine line here - giving our children freedom to express their feelings but not creating issues where there are none. It is critical that we help our kids know that their feelings are acceptable and that there is no need for shame.

Some things we can do:
* Provide accurate information to our children about their birthfamilies.
* Create an environment that gives them freedom to talk about their feelings.
* Respect their feelings no matter how illogical they may seem to you.
* Be careful to never make their pain about you. It has to be about them.
* Don't forget that God creates families.

Pray for your children and for their hearts to be healed. Know that God will equip you to be the parent that He has called you to be.

Twenty Things: #1

2007-09-27T22:02:00.000-05:00

1. I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.

I'm not sure that any of us can grasp the loss that a child feels when they realize that they have lost a family.

When my daughter was 4 years old she suddenly encountered her loss. We were driving and she was in her car seat. Suddenly from the back seat I heard her sobbing. When I asked what was wrong she responded, through her tears, "I miss my birthmom!" I am so glad that I had had some experience and a bit of knowledge about adoptive grieving before this happened. Otherwise I might have responded with surprise and a bit of exasperation. Instead I simply told her that I knew that she missed her birthmom and I was sad that she was sad. She asked a couple of questions and then went back to being a 4-year old- happy and carefree. A few weeks later she calmly asked me..."So, Mommy, did we kind of switch mommies?"

We did all the right things (well, as much as we could humanly do) - telling her about her adoption and her birthparents, reading her Lifebook and giving her all the unconditional love we could give. The reality is this - nothing we, her adoptive parents, could do could fill the space in her heart that needed some kind of connection with her birthfamily. We desperately wanted her to feel loved. We wanted her to never feel rejected or abandoned. But eventually she could express the grief she felt over losing her birth family.

If she were telling this story she would tell you that she loves her adoptive family very much. She has never desired to return to her birth family. She simply needed something to fill in the empty space left by her birth family. She knew when she needed it the most and she asked me to find her birthmom for her. She had questions and she needed answers.

When she was 15 we were able to reunite with her birthmother. We spent a couple of hours at IHOP talking. My daughter spent most of the time listening. There were several moments when her birthmom would say something and she would punch my leg under the table. The punch meant - listen to her, she sounds just like me or she likes what I like or we have the same opinions, etc. After leaving that day I asked her how she felt and she replied, "I feel complete."

My daughter will soon be 19 and we have not had another meeting with her birthmom. They have communicated by email. Perhaps someday they will have a closer relationship. But through all these years I have occasionally asked my daughter if she wnated me to try to set up another meeting and she always said "I'm okay, no thanks."

I know there will be other times in her life that she will feel the need for her birth family and I sincerely want her to have healthy relationships that will help her to know who she is. In the meantime, she is confident in God's divine plan for her life.

As an adoptive mom, it is important for me to be confident in my role as her mom. It is critical that I not feel threatened by her need or her relationship with her birth family. She will feel the most loved when she knows that I want what is best for her; when she knows that I support her. I believe that she would not have felt the depth of loss if she had had an ongoing relationship with her birth family. I pray that families starting the adoption process will understand this loss and will do what they can do to build a heathy relationship with their child's birth family.

Remember, It's not who the child belongs to; but who belongs to the child.

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

2007-09-10T20:44:00.001-05:00

When I read this book I found myself sad and horrified at the depth of loss that adoptees expressed. I grieved because the needs noted in this book were all too familiar to me. I could see some of the issues through the eyes of my adopted daughter and my heart hurt for her.

The voices of these adopted children tell a familiar story of loss, fear, and hope. This book was written by a woman who was adopted herself, giving voice to children's unspoken concerns, and showing adoptive parents how to free their kids from feelings of fear, abandonment, and shame.

Sherrie Eldridge reveals the twenty complex emotional issues you must understand to nurture the child you love-that they must grieve their loss now if they are to receive love fully in the future-that they need honest information about their birth family no matter how painful the details may be-and that although they may choose to search for their birth family, they will always rely on you to be their parents.

This book is a great resource for adoptive parents. It is preventative medicine, if you will. As I became more familiar with the needs shared in this book, I felt better equipped to help my daughter work through her feelings of loss and abandonment.

Loving Your Child's Birthmother

2007-09-05T22:26:00.000-05:00

Tonight I spent the evening with birthmothers in our monthly support group. They each have different stories.

One of them just placed her baby girl 3 weeks ago. She is grieving - she is at peace. Her arms ache with emptiness but her heart tells her that she made a good decision for her daughter. She already sees the amazing things that God has done and continues to do through this unplanned pregnancy. God has used this time in her life to bring her back to Him, restore relationships and give hope to a family that had lost all hope.

Another grieves tonight in a different way. Her life has been riddled with difficulties. Her son is 13 years old and she allowed those issues to separate her from the contact with her son that has always been freely offered by his adoptive parents.
Tonight she admits the fear that her son will never forgive her for missing his last 5 christmases and birthdays. Tonight perhaps she will begin a journey of healing.

The third young woman shares a sad story of broken promises and her broken heart. She placed her child in a private placement and the promises that the adoptive family made so quickly before the baby was born have now turned to fear and anger and a refusal to communicate with her or send pictures. She wants very little - she poses no threat, but she has no recourse - no solution - no advocate and tonight she simply needs to pour her heart out to others who can truly feel her pain. My heart breaks for her and the hopelessness of her situation.

The last woman has an awesome adoptive family who truly honor her. They will help their one-year old son to always know and love his birthmom. She has had a hard life and tonight she asks for prayer that she will have the strength to set her life on a straight path.

Our desire is to minister to these women and to advocate for them. All adoptions are unique, but I pray that more adoptive families (especially those in private placements) will seek out training and preparation for adoption. Many of the broken relationships are results of a lack of education. Families and birthmoms need preparation and they need an advocate.
I have seen private placements that work, but I have seen many more where fear has consumed adoptive families and the birthmother loses.

God builds families through adoption through birthmoms who make a courageous decision to give her child a life that she cannot give them. Adoptive families have an opportunity to be Jesus to these young women - to offer grace and mercy to the woman who made the incredible sacrifice.

How do you honor your child's birthmom?

What is your greatest fear?

2007-08-30T21:54:00.000-05:00

When we ask a birthmother this question she most often responds with two answers -
1. I worry that the adoptive family won't love my baby.
2. I am afraid that after I give them my baby they won't love me anymore or stay in touch with me.

When we ask an adoptive couple this question, they almost always reply... We are afraid that a birthmother will want her baby back.

It's interesting to know what each other fears the most.

I have worked in adoption for almost 19 years and in that time I have seen approximately 3 women ask to have their baby returned to them after placement. Of course, there are other legal issues that could possibly disrupt an adoption but even these are much fewer in number than the media would portray.

It is important that birthmothers never feel pressured or feel a sense of obligation to the adoptive family. Adoption, as we do it today, provides an incredible sense of peace, security and comfort to a birthmom as she chooses a family, has visits with the family and has the freedom to make a plan for her baby. There is nothing sweeter than seeing a birthmother and an adoptive family simply fall in love with each other. It is a picture of love that very few have the opportunity to witness.

Of course, there are times when a birthmother changes her mind about adoption after the baby is born. This is incredibly tough for the adoptive family - it is a failed placement - a loss for that couple. But, so much better to have that decision made before you take your baby home with you.

As we approach adoption from a Christ-like perspective we have to be reminded that our first goal should be to represent Jesus to a birthmother. If a birthmother chooses to parent, adoptive families must lean of Christ, acknowledge the pain and trust that God knows exactly the baby that He has chosen, even before the foundation of the earth, to be a part of your family.

Adoption is a journey and God wants to use this journey to grow you and refine you and make you more like Him. When the baby He has planned for you is placed in your arms, you will understand at that moment the sacrificial love of a birthmom and the incredible blessing that God is pouring out on you.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Honoring a Courageous Woman

2007-08-16T20:47:00.000-05:00

Tonight I honor a young woman who made the most unselfish and loving decision that anyone can make. Tonight she completed a well thought-out plan for her baby girl - she placed her baby with a couple who would become her forever family.

This was not a plan that would free her of responsibility.

This was not a plan that implied a lack of love for her daughter.

This was not a mother rejecting the child that grew in her body. This was not an easy plan.

This is a woman who desires more for her baby than she could possibly provide.

This is a woman who took a hard look at her life and knew that she was not ready to be the kind of parent that she wanted her daughter to have.

This is a woman who loves her daughter and put her best interest before her own.

This is a woman who showed more courage than I can comprehend.

Tonight she is home with an empty womb and empty arms. She will grieve the loss of this child, but she will also be reminded that her daughter will be raised by two parents - a father and a mother - who will love her as if she were flesh of their flesh. She will know that she made the decision out of an amazing love for her baby.

Pleae pray for this young woman as she grieves. If you know a birthmother who placed her baby for adoption, applaud her, encourage her and support her decision.

The Beginning of the Journey

2007-08-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

Our adoption journey began on Saturday night, January 14, 1989. My husband and I were enjoying a quiet evening at home alone - fire in the fireplace...Houston Rockets on TV... our 4 kids out doing the teenage thing. All of this equals an amazing night at home, enjoying the fact that our children were starting to do things on their own and we were beginning to see the signs of "empty nest". I was scheduled to start work at New Life the very next Tuesday. What timing!

With one phone call the next 18 years of our lives changed. Jessica literally arrived on our doorstep late that night. We knew her birthfamily so we knew the difficulties that she had faced in her short 3 months of life. She was quiet and deep inside her we knew that she was afraid and wondered if she could trust these new people in her life. We began this journey expecting it would last for a weekend. But, as God would have it, the weekend stretched to more than 9 months. That is when the journey became difficult and painful.

As a family, we committed to this baby girl even when she was taken from our home and it seemed that it was impossible. We determined that we would be there for her as long as God allowed. We traveled a treacherous legal path and waited on God. We prayed intensely. We fasted and prayed regularly. We believed God and followed His directives. We eventually, by faith, relinquished our own desires and told God that we would accept willingly what He desired for her and for us - the hardest thing we have ever done. The details belong to my daughter so I will not share those.

The beauty of this story is that God protected a precious baby girl and honored the prayers of a family dedicated to her best interest. Before Jessica was conceived in her birthmother's womb God had a plan for her. He knew that she would be grafted into the Seay family and that this was the place he had designed for her to grow and become all that He wanted her to be.
And so - on October 30, 1992, our baby girl became OUR baby girl! Praise be to God!

Get to know Jessica by checking out her blog (seay-pictureperfect.blogspot.com).

I would love to hear how God led you on your adoption journey. After doing this for 18 years, I know that every family has a story of how God brought them to the point of adoption. We encourage each other by sharing our story. Would you share it with me?