Let's All Take A Stand

As adoptive parents we must take a stand against this movie that blantantly casts a negative light on adoption, adopted kids (orphans) and adoptive parents.
Read here for a great article about the movie and how we should respond to it.

A Day in the Park!

These are pictures of openness in adoption. Every year we host our Kinship Picnic. The theme is "It's not who the child belongs to, but who belongs to the child."
This picnic is a gathering of all the people who "belong to the child". It is a great opportunity to grow a relationship with one another and for birth families to share fun time with the child.

Adoption = Fear?

Recently we were reunited with a birthmom who placed 2 children 11 and 13 years ago with a loving Christian family. After sacrificing her own desires so that her children could have a family and a life that she felt she could not give them, this adoptive family "disappeared". They have not communicated with her for more than 10 years. They moved and did not inform the agency. It is apparent that they have no intention or desire to have contact with the very woman who gave them a family.
My heart breaks as we hear this woman share the pain and grief of being rejected by the couple who received her children as their own through adoption. She longs to know how her boys are doing - what they look like - what they love to do. It is simple - a letter, some pictures would make a huge difference.
Why does this couple run away from this precious young woman? Is it because they fear her involvement? Do they fear that their boys will love her more than they love them? Have they simply discarded her worth as a birthmother?
How can a couple profess to be Christians and then so easily walk away from the woman who gave them such incredible gifts?
I don't have an answer to these questions but I would love to hear your thoughts.
I am still praying that the Lord will soften the hearts of this couple and stir within them a love for this precious woman - the birthmother of their boys.

God's Ways are not our Ways

Today I write out of heart of sadness for some very special adoptive families. They are families that have learned in the last few days that they will not receive the baby that they thought would become a part of their family. We try to prepare families for failed placements but it is almost impossible to guard your heart in this process of adoption.
More than anything we strive to give birth moms the freedom to make the decision and plan that they absolutely believe is right for them and their baby. But in the same moment we long to see an adoptive family experience the joy of receiving a baby in their arms. The emotions are almost more than any human being can control.
But in the end, we know that God has a perfect plan for birth moms, babies and adoptive families. Trusting in God's sovereign plan is what keeps us believing, trusting and knowing.
In all of this, we want to encourage birth moms to be the very best parent they can be and to pray for and love adoptive families as they grieve their loss and wait on the completion of God's perfect plan.
May God bless you in this journey of adoption!

Twenty Things: #2

2. I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed.

As adoptive parents it is important that we not attempt to deny the needs of adopted children. We really want to believe that our love will conquer all needs and losses in our children's lives. None of us want to believe that our children will have pain as a result of their adoption loss.
On the other hand, we need to be careful not to assume that every need our child exhibits is due to adoption loss. There is a fine line here - giving our children freedom to express their feelings but not creating issues where there are none. It is critical that we help our kids know that their feelings are acceptable and that there is no need for shame.

Some things we can do:
* Provide accurate information to our children about their birthfamilies.
* Create an environment that gives them freedom to talk about their feelings.
* Respect their feelings no matter how illogical they may seem to you.
* Be careful to never make their pain about you. It has to be about them.
* Don't forget that God creates families.

Pray for your children and for their hearts to be healed. Know that God will equip you to be the parent that He has called you to be.

Twenty Things: #1

1. I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.

I'm not sure that any of us can grasp the loss that a child feels when they realize that they have lost a family.

When my daughter was 4 years old she suddenly encountered her loss. We were driving and she was in her car seat. Suddenly from the back seat I heard her sobbing. When I asked what was wrong she responded, through her tears, "I miss my birthmom!" I am so glad that I had had some experience and a bit of knowledge about adoptive grieving before this happened. Otherwise I might have responded with surprise and a bit of exasperation. Instead I simply told her that I knew that she missed her birthmom and I was sad that she was sad. She asked a couple of questions and then went back to being a 4-year old- happy and carefree. A few weeks later she calmly asked me..."So, Mommy, did we kind of switch mommies?"

We did all the right things (well, as much as we could humanly do) - telling her about her adoption and her birthparents, reading her Lifebook and giving her all the unconditional love we could give. The reality is this - nothing we, her adoptive parents, could do could fill the space in her heart that needed some kind of connection with her birthfamily. We desperately wanted her to feel loved. We wanted her to never feel rejected or abandoned. But eventually she could express the grief she felt over losing her birth family.

If she were telling this story she would tell you that she loves her adoptive family very much. She has never desired to return to her birth family. She simply needed something to fill in the empty space left by her birth family. She knew when she needed it the most and she asked me to find her birthmom for her. She had questions and she needed answers.

When she was 15 we were able to reunite with her birthmother. We spent a couple of hours at IHOP talking. My daughter spent most of the time listening. There were several moments when her birthmom would say something and she would punch my leg under the table. The punch meant - listen to her, she sounds just like me or she likes what I like or we have the same opinions, etc. After leaving that day I asked her how she felt and she replied, "I feel complete."

My daughter will soon be 19 and we have not had another meeting with her birthmom. They have communicated by email. Perhaps someday they will have a closer relationship. But through all these years I have occasionally asked my daughter if she wnated me to try to set up another meeting and she always said "I'm okay, no thanks."

I know there will be other times in her life that she will feel the need for her birth family and I sincerely want her to have healthy relationships that will help her to know who she is. In the meantime, she is confident in God's divine plan for her life.

As an adoptive mom, it is important for me to be confident in my role as her mom. It is critical that I not feel threatened by her need or her relationship with her birth family. She will feel the most loved when she knows that I want what is best for her; when she knows that I support her. I believe that she would not have felt the depth of loss if she had had an ongoing relationship with her birth family. I pray that families starting the adoption process will understand this loss and will do what they can do to build a heathy relationship with their child's birth family.

Remember, It's not who the child belongs to; but who belongs to the child.

What is your greatest fear?

When we ask a birthmother this question she most often responds with two answers -
1. I worry that the adoptive family won't love my baby.
2. I am afraid that after I give them my baby they won't love me anymore or stay in touch with me.

When we ask an adoptive couple this question, they almost always reply... We are afraid that a birthmother will want her baby back.

It's interesting to know what each other fears the most.

I have worked in adoption for almost 19 years and in that time I have seen approximately 3 women ask to have their baby returned to them after placement. Of course, there are other legal issues that could possibly disrupt an adoption but even these are much fewer in number than the media would portray.

It is important that birthmothers never feel pressured or feel a sense of obligation to the adoptive family. Adoption, as we do it today, provides an incredible sense of peace, security and comfort to a birthmom as she chooses a family, has visits with the family and has the freedom to make a plan for her baby. There is nothing sweeter than seeing a birthmother and an adoptive family simply fall in love with each other. It is a picture of love that very few have the opportunity to witness.

Of course, there are times when a birthmother changes her mind about adoption after the baby is born. This is incredibly tough for the adoptive family - it is a failed placement - a loss for that couple. But, so much better to have that decision made before you take your baby home with you.

As we approach adoption from a Christ-like perspective we have to be reminded that our first goal should be to represent Jesus to a birthmother. If a birthmother chooses to parent, adoptive families must lean of Christ, acknowledge the pain and trust that God knows exactly the baby that He has chosen, even before the foundation of the earth, to be a part of your family.

Adoption is a journey and God wants to use this journey to grow you and refine you and make you more like Him. When the baby He has planned for you is placed in your arms, you will understand at that moment the sacrificial love of a birthmom and the incredible blessing that God is pouring out on you.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

The Beginning of the Journey

Our adoption journey began on Saturday night, January 14, 1989. My husband and I were enjoying a quiet evening at home alone - fire in the fireplace...Houston Rockets on TV... our 4 kids out doing the teenage thing. All of this equals an amazing night at home, enjoying the fact that our children were starting to do things on their own and we were beginning to see the signs of "empty nest". I was scheduled to start work at New Life the very next Tuesday. What timing!

With one phone call the next 18 years of our lives changed. Jessica literally arrived on our doorstep late that night. We knew her birthfamily so we knew the difficulties that she had faced in her short 3 months of life. She was quiet and deep inside her we knew that she was afraid and wondered if she could trust these new people in her life. We began this journey expecting it would last for a weekend. But, as God would have it, the weekend stretched to more than 9 months. That is when the journey became difficult and painful.

As a family, we committed to this baby girl even when she was taken from our home and it seemed that it was impossible. We determined that we would be there for her as long as God allowed. We traveled a treacherous legal path and waited on God. We prayed intensely. We fasted and prayed regularly. We believed God and followed His directives. We eventually, by faith, relinquished our own desires and told God that we would accept willingly what He desired for her and for us - the hardest thing we have ever done. The details belong to my daughter so I will not share those.

The beauty of this story is that God protected a precious baby girl and honored the prayers of a family dedicated to her best interest. Before Jessica was conceived in her birthmother's womb God had a plan for her. He knew that she would be grafted into the Seay family and that this was the place he had designed for her to grow and become all that He wanted her to be.
And so - on October 30, 1992, our baby girl became OUR baby girl! Praise be to God!

Get to know Jessica by checking out her blog (seay-pictureperfect.blogspot.com).

I would love to hear how God led you on your adoption journey. After doing this for 18 years, I know that every family has a story of how God brought them to the point of adoption. We encourage each other by sharing our story. Would you share it with me?