Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day brings a myriad of emotions for women.

I know of a woman who, tonight, is heart-broken over poor choices made by her daughter.

Another's arms ache for a baby to love and care for.

Still another lives with the memory of a child that was once nurtured within her womb and now calls someone else Mommy.

All of these women deserve to be honored for who they are and the heart they possess.

Obviously, because this is a blog about adoption, I am asking you to remember the women who made a selfless plan and placed their babies for adoption. Every year the day before Mother's Day is Birthmother's Day. Take a moment to pray for birthmothers - those who have already placed a child for adoption and those who are nearing the day of placement.

A dear, sweet friend has written this blog from a birthmother's perspective that better reveals the heart of a woman we call "birthmother".

God's Ways are not our Ways

Today I write out of heart of sadness for some very special adoptive families. They are families that have learned in the last few days that they will not receive the baby that they thought would become a part of their family. We try to prepare families for failed placements but it is almost impossible to guard your heart in this process of adoption.
More than anything we strive to give birth moms the freedom to make the decision and plan that they absolutely believe is right for them and their baby. But in the same moment we long to see an adoptive family experience the joy of receiving a baby in their arms. The emotions are almost more than any human being can control.
But in the end, we know that God has a perfect plan for birth moms, babies and adoptive families. Trusting in God's sovereign plan is what keeps us believing, trusting and knowing.
In all of this, we want to encourage birth moms to be the very best parent they can be and to pray for and love adoptive families as they grieve their loss and wait on the completion of God's perfect plan.
May God bless you in this journey of adoption!

Life is Precious!

There are some days that I am blessed to be taken back to the important things in life. This week I had one of those days.
I met with a client who thought that aborting her baby was the only option she had. She was living a life of desperation and sadness.

We talked and she cried. I got the opportunity to show her the baby inside of her via ultrasound. There was no manipulation - no magic answers - no problems solved. There was only life - a tiny baby - doing somersaults inside the safety of its mother's womb - a beating heart that in reality is smaller than the eraser on a pencil.

These are the things that are really important - the miracle of a life created - a life that only God can create.

This young woman left with a resolve to give life to the baby inside of her. She did not leave with a plan for her future. She knew that survival would only be possible one day at a time.

We will be there for her. We will help her determine how to relieve some of the issues that have caused the desperation in her life.

Please remember these young women - they need love - they need Jesus - they need a community that will surround them and encourage them to become the woman God has designed them to be.

Twenty Things: #2

2. I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed.

As adoptive parents it is important that we not attempt to deny the needs of adopted children. We really want to believe that our love will conquer all needs and losses in our children's lives. None of us want to believe that our children will have pain as a result of their adoption loss.
On the other hand, we need to be careful not to assume that every need our child exhibits is due to adoption loss. There is a fine line here - giving our children freedom to express their feelings but not creating issues where there are none. It is critical that we help our kids know that their feelings are acceptable and that there is no need for shame.

Some things we can do:
* Provide accurate information to our children about their birthfamilies.
* Create an environment that gives them freedom to talk about their feelings.
* Respect their feelings no matter how illogical they may seem to you.
* Be careful to never make their pain about you. It has to be about them.
* Don't forget that God creates families.

Pray for your children and for their hearts to be healed. Know that God will equip you to be the parent that He has called you to be.

Twenty Things: #1

1. I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.

I'm not sure that any of us can grasp the loss that a child feels when they realize that they have lost a family.

When my daughter was 4 years old she suddenly encountered her loss. We were driving and she was in her car seat. Suddenly from the back seat I heard her sobbing. When I asked what was wrong she responded, through her tears, "I miss my birthmom!" I am so glad that I had had some experience and a bit of knowledge about adoptive grieving before this happened. Otherwise I might have responded with surprise and a bit of exasperation. Instead I simply told her that I knew that she missed her birthmom and I was sad that she was sad. She asked a couple of questions and then went back to being a 4-year old- happy and carefree. A few weeks later she calmly asked me..."So, Mommy, did we kind of switch mommies?"

We did all the right things (well, as much as we could humanly do) - telling her about her adoption and her birthparents, reading her Lifebook and giving her all the unconditional love we could give. The reality is this - nothing we, her adoptive parents, could do could fill the space in her heart that needed some kind of connection with her birthfamily. We desperately wanted her to feel loved. We wanted her to never feel rejected or abandoned. But eventually she could express the grief she felt over losing her birth family.

If she were telling this story she would tell you that she loves her adoptive family very much. She has never desired to return to her birth family. She simply needed something to fill in the empty space left by her birth family. She knew when she needed it the most and she asked me to find her birthmom for her. She had questions and she needed answers.

When she was 15 we were able to reunite with her birthmother. We spent a couple of hours at IHOP talking. My daughter spent most of the time listening. There were several moments when her birthmom would say something and she would punch my leg under the table. The punch meant - listen to her, she sounds just like me or she likes what I like or we have the same opinions, etc. After leaving that day I asked her how she felt and she replied, "I feel complete."

My daughter will soon be 19 and we have not had another meeting with her birthmom. They have communicated by email. Perhaps someday they will have a closer relationship. But through all these years I have occasionally asked my daughter if she wnated me to try to set up another meeting and she always said "I'm okay, no thanks."

I know there will be other times in her life that she will feel the need for her birth family and I sincerely want her to have healthy relationships that will help her to know who she is. In the meantime, she is confident in God's divine plan for her life.

As an adoptive mom, it is important for me to be confident in my role as her mom. It is critical that I not feel threatened by her need or her relationship with her birth family. She will feel the most loved when she knows that I want what is best for her; when she knows that I support her. I believe that she would not have felt the depth of loss if she had had an ongoing relationship with her birth family. I pray that families starting the adoption process will understand this loss and will do what they can do to build a heathy relationship with their child's birth family.

Remember, It's not who the child belongs to; but who belongs to the child.

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

When I read this book I found myself sad and horrified at the depth of loss that adoptees expressed. I grieved because the needs noted in this book were all too familiar to me. I could see some of the issues through the eyes of my adopted daughter and my heart hurt for her.

The voices of these adopted children tell a familiar story of loss, fear, and hope. This book was written by a woman who was adopted herself, giving voice to children's unspoken concerns, and showing adoptive parents how to free their kids from feelings of fear, abandonment, and shame.

Sherrie Eldridge reveals the twenty complex emotional issues you must understand to nurture the child you love-that they must grieve their loss now if they are to receive love fully in the future-that they need honest information about their birth family no matter how painful the details may be-and that although they may choose to search for their birth family, they will always rely on you to be their parents.

This book is a great resource for adoptive parents. It is preventative medicine, if you will. As I became more familiar with the needs shared in this book, I felt better equipped to help my daughter work through her feelings of loss and abandonment.

Loving Your Child's Birthmother

Tonight I spent the evening with birthmothers in our monthly support group. They each have different stories.

One of them just placed her baby girl 3 weeks ago. She is grieving - she is at peace. Her arms ache with emptiness but her heart tells her that she made a good decision for her daughter. She already sees the amazing things that God has done and continues to do through this unplanned pregnancy. God has used this time in her life to bring her back to Him, restore relationships and give hope to a family that had lost all hope.

Another grieves tonight in a different way. Her life has been riddled with difficulties. Her son is 13 years old and she allowed those issues to separate her from the contact with her son that has always been freely offered by his adoptive parents.
Tonight she admits the fear that her son will never forgive her for missing his last 5 christmases and birthdays. Tonight perhaps she will begin a journey of healing.

The third young woman shares a sad story of broken promises and her broken heart. She placed her child in a private placement and the promises that the adoptive family made so quickly before the baby was born have now turned to fear and anger and a refusal to communicate with her or send pictures. She wants very little - she poses no threat, but she has no recourse - no solution - no advocate and tonight she simply needs to pour her heart out to others who can truly feel her pain. My heart breaks for her and the hopelessness of her situation.

The last woman has an awesome adoptive family who truly honor her. They will help their one-year old son to always know and love his birthmom. She has had a hard life and tonight she asks for prayer that she will have the strength to set her life on a straight path.

Our desire is to minister to these women and to advocate for them. All adoptions are unique, but I pray that more adoptive families (especially those in private placements) will seek out training and preparation for adoption. Many of the broken relationships are results of a lack of education. Families and birthmoms need preparation and they need an advocate.
I have seen private placements that work, but I have seen many more where fear has consumed adoptive families and the birthmother loses.

God builds families through adoption through birthmoms who make a courageous decision to give her child a life that she cannot give them. Adoptive families have an opportunity to be Jesus to these young women - to offer grace and mercy to the woman who made the incredible sacrifice.

How do you honor your child's birthmom?