A Real Birthmother

Today I met with a birthmother. She was sweet, vulnerable, respectful and truly concerned about her baby and the plan she was making.
There was nothing about her that was selfish.
There was nothing about her that was threatening.
She cried when I told her that the adoptive family would keep one of the names she had chosen to be used as a part of the child's name - a gift from her that could never be taken away.
She cried when I told her that I would hope that she would have a strong connection with her child and the adoptive family through the years.
She cried for the pain that her mother was experiencing.
She was concerned for her little brother and how her plan would affect him.
She is only 18 but seems to have the wisdom of a much older woman.
Pray for her!

Adoption = Fear?

Recently we were reunited with a birthmom who placed 2 children 11 and 13 years ago with a loving Christian family. After sacrificing her own desires so that her children could have a family and a life that she felt she could not give them, this adoptive family "disappeared". They have not communicated with her for more than 10 years. They moved and did not inform the agency. It is apparent that they have no intention or desire to have contact with the very woman who gave them a family.
My heart breaks as we hear this woman share the pain and grief of being rejected by the couple who received her children as their own through adoption. She longs to know how her boys are doing - what they look like - what they love to do. It is simple - a letter, some pictures would make a huge difference.
Why does this couple run away from this precious young woman? Is it because they fear her involvement? Do they fear that their boys will love her more than they love them? Have they simply discarded her worth as a birthmother?
How can a couple profess to be Christians and then so easily walk away from the woman who gave them such incredible gifts?
I don't have an answer to these questions but I would love to hear your thoughts.
I am still praying that the Lord will soften the hearts of this couple and stir within them a love for this precious woman - the birthmother of their boys.

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day brings a myriad of emotions for women.

I know of a woman who, tonight, is heart-broken over poor choices made by her daughter.

Another's arms ache for a baby to love and care for.

Still another lives with the memory of a child that was once nurtured within her womb and now calls someone else Mommy.

All of these women deserve to be honored for who they are and the heart they possess.

Obviously, because this is a blog about adoption, I am asking you to remember the women who made a selfless plan and placed their babies for adoption. Every year the day before Mother's Day is Birthmother's Day. Take a moment to pray for birthmothers - those who have already placed a child for adoption and those who are nearing the day of placement.

A dear, sweet friend has written this blog from a birthmother's perspective that better reveals the heart of a woman we call "birthmother".

God's Ways are not our Ways

Today I write out of heart of sadness for some very special adoptive families. They are families that have learned in the last few days that they will not receive the baby that they thought would become a part of their family. We try to prepare families for failed placements but it is almost impossible to guard your heart in this process of adoption.
More than anything we strive to give birth moms the freedom to make the decision and plan that they absolutely believe is right for them and their baby. But in the same moment we long to see an adoptive family experience the joy of receiving a baby in their arms. The emotions are almost more than any human being can control.
But in the end, we know that God has a perfect plan for birth moms, babies and adoptive families. Trusting in God's sovereign plan is what keeps us believing, trusting and knowing.
In all of this, we want to encourage birth moms to be the very best parent they can be and to pray for and love adoptive families as they grieve their loss and wait on the completion of God's perfect plan.
May God bless you in this journey of adoption!

Life is Precious!

There are some days that I am blessed to be taken back to the important things in life. This week I had one of those days.
I met with a client who thought that aborting her baby was the only option she had. She was living a life of desperation and sadness.

We talked and she cried. I got the opportunity to show her the baby inside of her via ultrasound. There was no manipulation - no magic answers - no problems solved. There was only life - a tiny baby - doing somersaults inside the safety of its mother's womb - a beating heart that in reality is smaller than the eraser on a pencil.

These are the things that are really important - the miracle of a life created - a life that only God can create.

This young woman left with a resolve to give life to the baby inside of her. She did not leave with a plan for her future. She knew that survival would only be possible one day at a time.

We will be there for her. We will help her determine how to relieve some of the issues that have caused the desperation in her life.

Please remember these young women - they need love - they need Jesus - they need a community that will surround them and encourage them to become the woman God has designed them to be.

Twenty Things: #2

2. I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed.

As adoptive parents it is important that we not attempt to deny the needs of adopted children. We really want to believe that our love will conquer all needs and losses in our children's lives. None of us want to believe that our children will have pain as a result of their adoption loss.
On the other hand, we need to be careful not to assume that every need our child exhibits is due to adoption loss. There is a fine line here - giving our children freedom to express their feelings but not creating issues where there are none. It is critical that we help our kids know that their feelings are acceptable and that there is no need for shame.

Some things we can do:
* Provide accurate information to our children about their birthfamilies.
* Create an environment that gives them freedom to talk about their feelings.
* Respect their feelings no matter how illogical they may seem to you.
* Be careful to never make their pain about you. It has to be about them.
* Don't forget that God creates families.

Pray for your children and for their hearts to be healed. Know that God will equip you to be the parent that He has called you to be.

Twenty Things: #1

1. I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.

I'm not sure that any of us can grasp the loss that a child feels when they realize that they have lost a family.

When my daughter was 4 years old she suddenly encountered her loss. We were driving and she was in her car seat. Suddenly from the back seat I heard her sobbing. When I asked what was wrong she responded, through her tears, "I miss my birthmom!" I am so glad that I had had some experience and a bit of knowledge about adoptive grieving before this happened. Otherwise I might have responded with surprise and a bit of exasperation. Instead I simply told her that I knew that she missed her birthmom and I was sad that she was sad. She asked a couple of questions and then went back to being a 4-year old- happy and carefree. A few weeks later she calmly asked me..."So, Mommy, did we kind of switch mommies?"

We did all the right things (well, as much as we could humanly do) - telling her about her adoption and her birthparents, reading her Lifebook and giving her all the unconditional love we could give. The reality is this - nothing we, her adoptive parents, could do could fill the space in her heart that needed some kind of connection with her birthfamily. We desperately wanted her to feel loved. We wanted her to never feel rejected or abandoned. But eventually she could express the grief she felt over losing her birth family.

If she were telling this story she would tell you that she loves her adoptive family very much. She has never desired to return to her birth family. She simply needed something to fill in the empty space left by her birth family. She knew when she needed it the most and she asked me to find her birthmom for her. She had questions and she needed answers.

When she was 15 we were able to reunite with her birthmother. We spent a couple of hours at IHOP talking. My daughter spent most of the time listening. There were several moments when her birthmom would say something and she would punch my leg under the table. The punch meant - listen to her, she sounds just like me or she likes what I like or we have the same opinions, etc. After leaving that day I asked her how she felt and she replied, "I feel complete."

My daughter will soon be 19 and we have not had another meeting with her birthmom. They have communicated by email. Perhaps someday they will have a closer relationship. But through all these years I have occasionally asked my daughter if she wnated me to try to set up another meeting and she always said "I'm okay, no thanks."

I know there will be other times in her life that she will feel the need for her birth family and I sincerely want her to have healthy relationships that will help her to know who she is. In the meantime, she is confident in God's divine plan for her life.

As an adoptive mom, it is important for me to be confident in my role as her mom. It is critical that I not feel threatened by her need or her relationship with her birth family. She will feel the most loved when she knows that I want what is best for her; when she knows that I support her. I believe that she would not have felt the depth of loss if she had had an ongoing relationship with her birth family. I pray that families starting the adoption process will understand this loss and will do what they can do to build a heathy relationship with their child's birth family.

Remember, It's not who the child belongs to; but who belongs to the child.