When we ask a birthmother this question she most often responds with two answers -
1. I worry that the adoptive family won't love my baby.
2. I am afraid that after I give them my baby they won't love me anymore or stay in touch with me.
When we ask an adoptive couple this question, they almost always reply... We are afraid that a birthmother will want her baby back.
It's interesting to know what each other fears the most.
I have worked in adoption for almost 19 years and in that time I have seen approximately 3 women ask to have their baby returned to them after placement. Of course, there are other legal issues that could possibly disrupt an adoption but even these are much fewer in number than the media would portray.
It is important that birthmothers never feel pressured or feel a sense of obligation to the adoptive family. Adoption, as we do it today, provides an incredible sense of peace, security and comfort to a birthmom as she chooses a family, has visits with the family and has the freedom to make a plan for her baby. There is nothing sweeter than seeing a birthmother and an adoptive family simply fall in love with each other. It is a picture of love that very few have the opportunity to witness.
Of course, there are times when a birthmother changes her mind about adoption after the baby is born. This is incredibly tough for the adoptive family - it is a failed placement - a loss for that couple. But, so much better to have that decision made before you take your baby home with you.
As we approach adoption from a Christ-like perspective we have to be reminded that our first goal should be to represent Jesus to a birthmother. If a birthmother chooses to parent, adoptive families must lean of Christ, acknowledge the pain and trust that God knows exactly the baby that He has chosen, even before the foundation of the earth, to be a part of your family.
Adoption is a journey and God wants to use this journey to grow you and refine you and make you more like Him. When the baby He has planned for you is placed in your arms, you will understand at that moment the sacrificial love of a birthmom and the incredible blessing that God is pouring out on you.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
2 comments:
Adoption, as we do it today, provides an incredible sense of peace, security and comfort to a birthmom as she chooses a family, has visits with the family and has the freedom to make a plan for her baby.
Perhaps at YOUR agency. Not at agencies across our country. There is still an unfortunate and high level of coercion still exisiting in today's society, present in subtler and more dangerously deceptive ways than in the past. We're not ripping babies from mothers' arms anymore. We're just ripping them down until they truly believe that they are not adequate enough for their own child.
Hopefully more agencies will get a clue and begin acting in truly ethical manners.
Thanks for your comment. You are absolutely right. I have counseled women after they have placed through other agencies who, when looking back, see that the decision was never really in their hands, or at least that is how they felt.
When I first started working in adoption I had a dream one night. In the dream I was standing before God and he was telling me that I had placed a baby with the wrong family. What that meant to me is that it is never about me or the agency or even the adoptive family - it has to be about the birthmother.
I tell the birthmoms that I work with that they have to feel so confident in their decision to place their baby for adoption that when they wake up in the middle of the night, weeks after placement, and they feel like someone has ripped their heart out - they can still acknowledge the pain but can be confident that they made the best decision and that they never felt that they HAD to make this decision.
I grieve for the reputation that some give adoption because they have decided that adoption is for everyone.
Birthmothers should be our heros - they make a decision that few could every have the courage to make - to go beyond their own feelings and make a plan for their baby that will insure that the child has a better life than she could give them.
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